Why 30 is not the new 20...thank God.

After watching Meg Jay's Ted Talk last night "Why 30 is Not the New 20," I felt both proud and disappointed in myself for the way I have treated my 20s. I have a career started and a wonderful loving relationship started in my late 20s. But it caused me to mourn so many years in my early to mid-20s that I was caught up following the wrong men and not developing myself. I have always been introspective, I mean come on, I'm a fucking poet. And though I was aware of my own creative demise, and I joke wistfully about my "slutty years," I didn't quite realize how many years I would emotionally suffer  those consequences. I spent so many years not feeling like I was enough. I wasn't funny enough, I wasn't fun enough, I wasn't pure enough, I didn't drink enough, I drank too much, I wasn't dedicated enough to my songs, I didn't know enough about philosophy, I didn't network enough, I wasn't experimental enough, I didn't like jazz enough, I didn't know enough about current events, I wasn't sexual enough and sometimes I was too sexual,  I didn't like sports enough and honestly, I really couldn't give a shit about sports.

I spent so many years, not feeling enough and not feeling like myself at all. I felt more like myself in High School, and suddenly in college, I lost every sliver of the way that I had always defined myself. I would say that I started to go through a personal renaissance around the summer of 2009, that is when my career really started to take a turn for the better. But emotionally I didn't really progress until I left LA in 2011. I severed the ties from the relationships with men that told me that I wasn't enough, and I left my unfinished creative business behind too. I left everything and everyone behind, those that I wanted to forget and those that I will never forget.

I left for a job initially, and when I didn't come home, my best friend accused me of running from my problems. I was offended. But I explained that every street that I drove on in my hometown, The Valley, Koreatown, Hollywood, the Westside, really everywhere had more memories that I wanted to forget than remember. I knew I was making the right decision, when the real me started to shine through again after I had left. And though I am away from every family member and best girl friends, I still need time to heal from the many years that I spent in my 20s ignoring myself. I guess the fear of going back, is that it would be a slippery slope to feeling not enough again. And though I know I am not exactly who I want to be, I feel like I am enough. I am enough for God, I am enough for myself, I am enough for my current love and I am enough to make it in my chosen career. That has taken me almost all of my 20s to realize. Though I agree with Meg Jay's encouragement for twenty-somethings to not waste those defining years dicking around. I have to say that my 20s thus far, have been a journey of much that I am not proud of and currently much that I am. I had to dick around for a little while in order to get to where I am right at this moment, which is a place that I am happy with. A place where I am appreciated, respected and loved by myself and others. Though I sometimes wish I could go back and redo 20-25, I can't and I know that those years of suffering consequences helped define who I am right now. And right now, I am calmly and happily looking forward to kicking ass for the last 2 years of my 20s.

Watch Meg Jay's Ted Talk "Why 30 is Not the New 20."
http://www.ted.com/talks/meg_jay_why_30_is_not_the_new_20.html

A Photo of Titian's "The Penitent Magdalene," which hangs in The Getty Museum. One of my favorite paintings and one that has always really captivated me. I think she is thanking God that 30 is not the new 20, she doesn't want to have to repent for her "slutty years" anymore :)