that I couldn't yet remember.
My hand went straight to my heart atop the hollow space inside.
My chest feeling like the rind of a melon,
As if something ripe and sustaining, and juicy,
had been scooped out and harvested.
The fruit of my joy, ripened, dug out, slurped and satisfying.
My arms rounded in a hug, but no one was there,
And it surprised me because usually I don't feel this loss in real time.
I look out my window, to see the fog hovering over the blonde grasses,
and deeply green trees,
in quiet exquisite beauty.
And it all feels a little like a photograph that I can't step into.
Or maybe that I don't want to step into, alone.
Beauty will always be beautiful, but what good is it,
if you can't draw someone you love into it?
If you can't marvel at creation with the same loving eyes?
With the same open heart?
I missed you even before you were gone.
I could feel the tightening of my heart strings,
stretching as you drove away.
Knowing they would eventually snap,
as they wound tighter and tighter with the distance.
I winced in melancholy anticipation.
Though I knew it was coming, it would hit me unexpectedly.
The tiny "ping" of the snap, would be so far in the distance,
but I would still hear it profoundly, in my gut.
And I'd once again be faced with reality.
Connection severed.
Heart weary and exhausted from trying to hold on in the distance.
Hollowed.
I am left alone with my love for you.
With my hope for you.
Your presence in my story has been precious.
Your performance, brilliant.
What grand beauty, authenticity of spirit, pain and triumph.
Your beauty untainted, though never perfect,
Just as it should be.
And I know I should be grateful
for taking the risk of loving you this much,
And feeling this much loss.
Today somehow,
despite the tightening,
and under the wistful fog,
It feels like its the first day of my new life.
A rebirth from what I knew myself to be before you.
I've been refined by our fire,
smoothed and sleek.
Edges heated with love, softened and reset.
Hollowed and yet somehow
Restored.
JESS COFFMAN
I want to dedicate "Hallowed," to my beautiful friends that I made, while performing in the show "Dance The Night Away," with Transcendence Theatre Company. I have been blessed several times, in getting the chance to work with Transcendence, and though I have loved all of my casts, these friends were the most unique and colorful colors in the crayon box. The people who were brought together to perform in "Dance the Night Away," were an exquisite combination of talent, humor, courage, wildness and an abundant understanding of love. We were an extremely successful team of performers. We shared our joys with each other on and offstage, and radiated that love and joy to our audiences. Thank-you to each individual team member, who not only had my back, but my heart, soul and mind. "Hallowed," is just one of 3 poems that I wrote, the morning after you left. Thank-you for the inspiration.
Glitter, Thriller and love,
Your Jess
p.s. If you are needing a moment to refocus your energy or calm your body, take 4 deep breaths. Breathe in "I have all my life to life," and breathe out "I have all my love to give." You will not only survive...you'll keep on survivin.' Button.
