"Hold It In" lyrics by Jess Coffman

Hold It In

I'm hungry for something that I just can't have.
I'm losing patience,
And this time wasting is making me mad.

I want to sing, but this lump in my throat,
Is choking me like a boat that's left and sunken,
On a waterless sea.

   But I hold it in, I've got to hold it in.

   I've to take it once again, 

   Find the peace within,

   And hold it in. 

My feet are hurting from standing up for the right to believe.
My pocket's empty,
But I'm stubborn and I don't want to leave.

I want to dance, want to throw out my chest,
Want to know I've been blessed,
And that the best part of me is getting to breathe.

   But I hold it in, I've got to hold it in.
   I've to take it once again,
   Find the peace within,
   And hold it in.

      And someday, I will be done, living on the run,
      And waiting for my dreams to turn out.
      But I'll fight until that day,
      And when it comes, I'll pray
      To be thankful, to never have to wait again.
   
   But til then...

   I'll hold it in, I've got to hold it in. 

   I've to take it once again, 

   Find the peace within,

   And hold it in. 

Hey!

So...if you are an actor, especially a non-union Musical Theatre performer, this poem is for you! I went on an audition last week, and I had to wait 4 hours to be seen! I literally did everything I could do to keep myself busy for those 4 hours, I ate, called friends, checked my email, took care of random shit I had been putting off, warmed up my voice, and still that only took up about 2 hours. I definitely learned that I need to have a good book, and all of my devices to keep myself from wanting to beat hundreds of identically dressed girls to death with my sexy black heels. That's right, I rebelled and wore black heels instead of beige. And let's be clear, I'm not mad or threatened by those other girls. I just want to be the first in line, so I can get the fuck out of there.

For my friends and family, who are unfamiliar with this type of situation, it's pretty much like the feelings that come up while waiting in line at the DMV. You wait for hours, and when the wait is over, you get your new stupid driver's license picture taken. I am always so pissed that something that took one minute to accomplish, required me having to wait for hours. The picture usually entails a forced fake smile, disheveled hair and bloodshot eyes, because you have murderous frustration in your soul by this point. Do you have a sense of that feeling? Okay, now imagine at the end of the wait, having to completely mask your DMV rage and sing like a princess? Yep, that's a real thing people. Not only do you have to look and sound better than everyone else, you have to give the casting directors a sense that you are positive, cheerful and will be an easy person to work with. If you can act your way out of the rage for the 1 whole minute that you are in the room, and get a callback...you deserve a glass of bourbon. I don't care if at that point it is 9am, you march right over to an overpriced overstimulating Times Square tourist bar, and get yourself some brown liquor.

So, when hour 3 of waiting rolled around at this audition and I was filled with ungodly thoughts from frustration, I started to write down these words. A little melody came along with it, and I was able to successfully finish was it now "Hold It In." I really do feel that even if you have never auditioned for anything, this song and these feelings relate to lots of other things that you have to wait for in life. Whether it's waiting for love, financial stability or simply waiting for the fucking 1 train to get to your stop, we can all relate to the frustrations of waiting and how important it is to find the peace within and hold in the rage sometimes.

I celebrate each and every one of you for continuing on your arduous path to fulfillment today!

Speaking of celebration...today marks the 6 month anniversary of my poetry blog! Thanks to all of you for your loving support and comments left here or on facebook. If one of my posts moves you in anyway, a simple like and especially a comment left, provides the motivation for me to keep going with this.

All my love,

Jess

P.S. Sometimes withstanding the wait is completely worthwhile. I did get a callback from that audition, and it went great. Spending your time waiting for something you really want, is never a waste. Good luck spending your time doing something you love today.