"When My Dad Goes" a poem by Jess Coffman

When My Dad Goes


When my Dad goes, he'll be the only man 
who ever asked to brush my hair. 

When my Dad goes, he'll be the only man 
who let me sleep in his armpit.

When my Dad goes, he'll be the only man 
who woke me up before the sun. 

When my Dad goes, he'll be the only man 
who made a maple bar taste like love.

When my Dad goes, he'll be the only man 
I ever hugged on a motorcycle. 

When my Dad goes, he'll be the only man 
who sacrificed, so I could dance. 

When my Dad goes, he'll be the only man 
who really wanted to put me first. 

When my Dad goes, he'll be the only man
to look at me with overwhelming love.

When my Dad goes, he'll be the only man 
to tip me 100 percent on his lunch bill.

When my Dad goes, he'll be the only man 
to sing Christmas Carols on my answering machine. 

When my Dad goes, he'll be the only man 
who told me I could do or be anything.

When my Dad goes, he'll be the only man 
I tell I love, but rarely see. 

When my Dad goes, he'll be the only man I love,
with the courage to live differently. 

When my Dad goes, he'll be the only man I love, 
despite our differing points of view.  

When my Dad goes, he'll be the only man 
who loves me for my strength. 

When my Dad goes, he'll be the only man I love, 
who told me he was proud of me. 

When my Dad goes, he'll be the only man I knew, 
who cried at the National Anthem.

When my Dad goes, he'll the only man I knew,  
who lived for the fight. 

When my Dad goes, he'll be the only man I knew 
who didn't give a shit, what others thought.

When my Dad goes, he'll be the only man I knew, 
who made baby-back ribs taste like love. 

When my Dad goes, he'll be the only man 
who "bad-danced" better than me. 

When my Dad goes, he'll be the only man 
who showed me God in nature.

When my Dad goes, he'll be the only man I knew, 
who ever offered to protect me. 

When my Dad goes, he'll be the only man I've loved my whole life. 

Jess Coffman

Hello Friends!

"When My Dad Goes," is a poem that is inspired by the expertly crafted and tremendously evocative film, "Everybody's Fine." Robert De Niro steals your heart as he plays the calm and calculated widower "Frank Goode" who sets out on a journey across the country to visit with his children. I pretty much cried for the entire 2 hours that it took me to watch and recover from the movie. I completely identified with this story, in the sense that I have a strong, hard-working, proud, sometimes lonely, father trying to connect with his children who are spread out across the country. "Frank Goode" has many set-backs emotionally and physically in the film, but eventually he acquires a rather sad and honest connection with his children. 

I called my Dad at one point when I took an emotional break from the film, to tell him how much I loved him. After our brief and lovely conversation, where my Dad reassured me that he missed me and he was proud of me, I began to write this poem. I don't believe that there are any perfect children or any perfect parents, and though my childhood was complicated, I am so blessed to have the parents that I do. This poem is a celebration of a few wonderful details explaining why I love and appreciate my Dad so much. I hope it inspires you to call a relative today, and tell them how important they are to you. 

Have a blessed day!

Jess 

P.S. Check out this youtube video of my Dad "bad-dancing" called "Zumba Dad Killin It!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ZjbUMfpuBE

"Winter in New York" a poem by Jess Coffman

Expectation has captured me like a fish on a hook.
Choking on what feeds me, I can't wriggle myself free.
Bound by the Guilt of not becoming what everyone wants 
me to Be. 

I've felt the Sun Shine in my chest,
And I chase that feeling like a child,  
An eager child,
Who flips and sings so you won't forget she's special.
The Warmth is real, but slowly dying out with the fading light.
The Cold is creeping, clawing in, and I haven't been feeling alright.

Like a stressful game of "Hot Potato,"
Where I'm the single player,
I'm running in circles, 
Trying to keep my dreams up, off the floor.
Struggling to give them life, 
As they begin to fall. 
Praying that the music won't stop, 
Not knowing sometimes why I do it at all. 

I've worked so hard to convince myself
That I have something to believe in. 
But no one cares to hear my voice, 
I'm unsuccessful not by choice.

But, I'm no longer jealous of those at the top,
Whose lives are what I once wanted.
I just want the sunshine back in my heart,
I just want to love my days and not fall apart.

Though no one talks of lifelong dreams that should be given up.
There's too much shame, too much blame and precious time wasted. 
We're convinced we're Nothing without them, 
And we can't bare to face it.   
Like an abused lover we hold ourselves, 
Making excuses for our pain.
We take the punches, 
Remembering better days, 
Praying for them again.

But if you cry more than you bellow with laughter, 
If you give your love and they never take,
If your smile is relentlessly forced and fake,
Without shame,
With Belief,
It's time for a new dream. 

Jess Coffman 

Happy President's Day! I am taking the Founding Fathers lead and finding myself today. I'm ready to establish a new nation, I'm throwing away rules that I once had for myself that haven't worked up to this point. I am working on not feeling guilty for past dreams that have not come to fruition. Instead, I am seeking out some old and some new activities, and only those people who help to spark my inner light. I know that I am responsible for keeping that light shining, and I have let it go out for the last time! If this means my pursuits in life have to change completely, then so be it! "This Light of Mine, I'm Gonna Let it Shine!" Who's With Me?!

"Smuggled Love" a poem by Jess Coffman

Our toes sunk in the sand,

As sailboats drifted on the sea.

Paint dripped from my hand,

Admiring you carefully.

But I couldn't hold your hand in peace,

Without whispers hot with hate,

So I paint the insides of our hearts 

With the colors we create.

            Honorable love in hiding,

            A love distinctive from the others.

With the passion of artists, 

And the loyalty of brothers.

           

            With you my life makes sense.

            Each day it's you, I choose.

            With an absolute devotion,

            That I will never lose.

It has all been worth the struggle,

The most painful and beautiful test,

Though I wish I never would have smuggled.

Our life and love past the rest.            

           

I’ll paint you each day before I die,

I’ll ache to love you tenderly.

and in Heaven, I'll ask God why,

He created homosexuality.

JESS COFFMAN

 I woke up at 4 am this morning with no idea of why I had woken up, and decided it was time to post a new poem! 

I actually wrote the first draft of this poem originally in a lyric writing class that I took at UCLA, taught by the hilarious and talented, Mr. Marty Panzer. He is Barry Manilow's life long writing partner. One of my favorite things about that class were his wild stories, and the fact that he would buy us pizza every week. I actually think that that was when I fell in love with sausage on my pizza. 

One of the other wonderful things that I loved about his class, was the fact that his life-long partner Greg, would come to class too. Greg was pretty quiet, but every once in a while he add in a little quip to one of the stories and we all loved it. I remember Marty reading us a set of lyrics that he wrote, with the title, "I'll love you back to life," and I had to imagine it was inspired by their relationship, which I found to be beautiful. 

Isn't that an amazing lyric? I would be so relieved, overwhelmed and grateful to hear someone say that they would "love me back to life." That seems like a lot of effort, that this impatient world just doesn't have time for.

So this song was actually an assignment that we had been given. Unfortunately I don't remember the names of the two men that we studied, but Marty gave us some reading material about a couple who was gay and a bit oddly matched due to their rather large age gap. The older man was a painter who painted countless works of his partner even up until death. 

I know for some of you this poem may make you feel uncomfortable, due to my liberal social views. But almost always seeing how the other half lives or thinks causes us to grow. I felt that way recently, when  my Dad took me to a gun range to learn how to shoot. I was pretty terrified, but I was quickly calmed by the prevailing sense of humility and reverence for the danger of the sport. Safety was first, there was no fucking around. Much to my surprise, I ended up shooting 3 different rifles that my Dad had brought that day. Though it was definitely a weird way for me to spend a Sunday afternoon, I ended up actually enjoying it and was pretty good at it. I also realized that an unloaded gun is just a piece of metal, but in the hands of the wrong person, it is extremely powerful and destructive. Did the experience completely change my political views? No. But it did give me a greater sense of understanding about the way that the people on the other side of the fence lives, and I was grateful for that. 

All the best,

Jess

"The Eyes That Turned My Tides" a poem by Jess Coffman

The Eyes That Turned My Tides

A familiar fear echos through Me

And I contemplate running away

But you hold me still with tranquil eyes

And in them, I can’t help but stay

What I thought was real love from another

Left my hopeful heart, sunken and drowned

But you’ve kept me safe with buoyant love

And in you, my new faith abounds

JESS COFFMAN

This tiny love poem is dedicated to my Billy. 

 

"Let Me Know" lyrics by Jess Coffman

Let Me Know

If you want me, just say it.

Cause I need to hear it.

But if you don’t feel it,

I’ll just smile and go.

I’m not jealous or needy,

My love isn’t greedy.

But if you really see me

And want me…

            I just have to know,

            I need to know, I need to know.

            If you want me just say it and show it.

            Kiss me so slow,

My heart will open and glow.

            If you want me, I just have to know.

If you think that I’m witty,

Or a little bit pretty,

It would make me so giddy

To hear that you do.

Though I may never cry

And hold my head high,

What I need from my guy is to hold me,

And just let me know…

I need to know, I need to know.

            If you want me just say it and show it.

            Kiss me so slow,

My heart will open and glow.

            If you want me, I just have to know.

                        In the silence I am scared

                        To step ‘cross the line into love.

                        And I know I will be fine

                        If I can’t have your hand closed into mine.

                                   

                        But baby I wished to the moon on the sea,

                        That you’d hold me right now,

                        And someday maybe you would love me.

                        And if you ever do…

           

Just let me know.

            I need to know, I need to know.

            If you love me just say it and show it.

            Kiss me so slow,

My heart will open and glow

            If you ever love me,

I just have to know.

JESS COFFMAN

Hey Friends!

I wrote this song while aboard my first few weeks on The Disney Dream. Billy and I were at the beginning of our unconventional love affair that would last 7 1/2 months at sea. Though I had real feelings for him in a very short time, I was really hesitant about the relationship because he was younger than me. Also, we had only gone on one real date on land, before getting onto the ship. He made me one of my favorite meals of all time, homemade macaroni and cheese, brussle sprouts and whiskey. He learned right away, that a happy tummy leads to a happy heart.

 At the time, I didn't know if our romance would end up as a "showmance" or if it would turn into something real. He was only 24 when we met, and I was sure that he needed to "sew his wild oats" on the ship, so I gave him plenty of space in the beginning. But he kept coming back to me every night after our tiresome work days, and I really started to fall for him. I wrote this song, with love and confusion in mind. I really didn't know how he felt about me. I knew I wasn't ready to say "I love you" yet, but I was ready to receive some validation that he really cared for me. Actually, we've been happily together for 2 1/2 years now, but even to this day, these song lyrics ring true sometimes. He is always really good about saying "I love you," and I know that he does love me. But, sometimes I feel like I have to fish for compliments in order to get one, and it makes me feel so lame. I know that I can always count on my gay friends or my girlfriends to tell me that I'm awesome, but I wish I would get more of that verbal validation from my boyfriend on a consistent basis.

This aspect of our relationship makes me feel so needy, and we don't really have the kind of relationship where neediness is normal. We are independent, we have our own creative and financial agendas separate from each other, and neither of us suffer from self-worth issues. But I've spoken to many of my friends who are in the same situation. They are in loving, happy relationships, that lack verbal validation from their loved one. For those of you who feel the same way that I do, I hope this song brings you some peace knowing that you are not alone feeling like a needy bitch. And for those of you reading this realizing you may not compliment your loved one enough, start today! A little positive feedback can do wonders for your relationship. 

I love you and think you are all awesome!

Jess

"Daniel Webster: The Gatekeeper" a poem by Jess Coffman

I fell into the Flow today,
Into the quiet and majestic.
It's mystical and collective,
And it selected me to stay.

On a day most unsuspecting,
I moseyed from chaotic to calm.
In Strawberry Fields of September,
I write to remember, blessed connecting.

I stopped my step and turned around,
As if someone had called out my name.
And sure enough Daniel Webster stood,
Speaking as eloquently as he could,
Though never making a sound.

I looked upon his copper face,
Framed by billowy, playful clouds,
In the bluest sky where the airplanes fly,
And teal balloons die in space.

All at once, hundreds of voices hushed,
As a far away cello swelled,
And scored the glorious improvisation, 
Of natural beauty in perfect collaboration,
As my soul became whole and flushed. 

I could hear the giggles of the grass,
And the hum of the mothering Moon.
My eyes were fixed, as were my feet,
As the cellist played The September Suite,
While the unknowing tourists passed.

What a stunning opportunity,
To feel as the butterfly feels!
And as summer green turns to autumn yellow,
I mellowed in the Flow of Unity.

A plump ballerina jeted in a cloud,
Right over Daniel Webster's head.
And he gave me a wink,
As the world began to shrink,
And the voices became loud, from the crowd.

The giggling grasses waved goodbye,
And the gentle sun hugged me warm.
I stood transformed in just one hour,
Summoned by the power of the sky.

I came away renewed and ablaze,
And I'll never be lonely or poor.
For I have been One with the Stone and the Sun,
I will run through life roused and amazed.  

Friends!

It has taken me so long to finish this poem! I am relieved, though slightly unsatisfied, because these words don't really capture the beauty of my experience. I found this poem to be so hard, partly because of the rhyme scheme. But it also proved challenging because I was trying to adequately explain what is happening inside my head, and how my senses are heightened when I am inspired.  

On a Saturday, about a month ago, I found myself walking in the Strawberry Fields portion of Central Park. It was absolutely beautiful, fall was just beginning to show itself in the turning leaves and chilly air. I stopped to look at this giant statue of Daniel Webster, and I noticed the gorgeous sound of a nearby cello. All of a sudden, my senses were heightened and diminished in different ways that I have never experienced before, and I could see the purest beauty in everything around me. The words that came into my head to make sense of this feeling, was that I somehow was invited into the flow of collective energy. At one point in my journal I wrote that I was in the "Flow at the Center of Spirit and Cognition." I felt a complete natural high, where all of the colors where brighter and every sound was silent except for that beautiful cello scoring the scene.

I call this poem "Daniel Webster: The Gatekeeper," because it was precisely at the moment that I looked up at his statue, that I became overwhelmingly inspired. It was almost as if Daniel Webster protects the portal in which one can enter Flow of the Universe. Ha! Either I had fortuitously been at the right place at the right time, or it was destined. I have attached a picture of the statue below, and was absolutely shocked at the epitaph on the pedestal. On the day that I wrote this poem, I didn't even notice the epitaph, though it perfectly describes my connection with nature that day. It says,

"Liberty and Union
Now and Forever
One and Inseparable"

Now I am sure that the statue of Daniel Webster is the Gatekeeper into the Flow of the Universe! I'm sure this sounds wacky to some people, and I totally get it. I don't think anyone could understand an experience like this, until they have one.

Thanks for reading!

"Hold It In" lyrics by Jess Coffman

Hold It In

I'm hungry for something that I just can't have.
I'm losing patience,
And this time wasting is making me mad.

I want to sing, but this lump in my throat,
Is choking me like a boat that's left and sunken,
On a waterless sea.

   But I hold it in, I've got to hold it in.

   I've to take it once again, 

   Find the peace within,

   And hold it in. 

My feet are hurting from standing up for the right to believe.
My pocket's empty,
But I'm stubborn and I don't want to leave.

I want to dance, want to throw out my chest,
Want to know I've been blessed,
And that the best part of me is getting to breathe.

   But I hold it in, I've got to hold it in.
   I've to take it once again,
   Find the peace within,
   And hold it in.

      And someday, I will be done, living on the run,
      And waiting for my dreams to turn out.
      But I'll fight until that day,
      And when it comes, I'll pray
      To be thankful, to never have to wait again.
   
   But til then...

   I'll hold it in, I've got to hold it in. 

   I've to take it once again, 

   Find the peace within,

   And hold it in. 

Hey!

So...if you are an actor, especially a non-union Musical Theatre performer, this poem is for you! I went on an audition last week, and I had to wait 4 hours to be seen! I literally did everything I could do to keep myself busy for those 4 hours, I ate, called friends, checked my email, took care of random shit I had been putting off, warmed up my voice, and still that only took up about 2 hours. I definitely learned that I need to have a good book, and all of my devices to keep myself from wanting to beat hundreds of identically dressed girls to death with my sexy black heels. That's right, I rebelled and wore black heels instead of beige. And let's be clear, I'm not mad or threatened by those other girls. I just want to be the first in line, so I can get the fuck out of there.

For my friends and family, who are unfamiliar with this type of situation, it's pretty much like the feelings that come up while waiting in line at the DMV. You wait for hours, and when the wait is over, you get your new stupid driver's license picture taken. I am always so pissed that something that took one minute to accomplish, required me having to wait for hours. The picture usually entails a forced fake smile, disheveled hair and bloodshot eyes, because you have murderous frustration in your soul by this point. Do you have a sense of that feeling? Okay, now imagine at the end of the wait, having to completely mask your DMV rage and sing like a princess? Yep, that's a real thing people. Not only do you have to look and sound better than everyone else, you have to give the casting directors a sense that you are positive, cheerful and will be an easy person to work with. If you can act your way out of the rage for the 1 whole minute that you are in the room, and get a callback...you deserve a glass of bourbon. I don't care if at that point it is 9am, you march right over to an overpriced overstimulating Times Square tourist bar, and get yourself some brown liquor.

So, when hour 3 of waiting rolled around at this audition and I was filled with ungodly thoughts from frustration, I started to write down these words. A little melody came along with it, and I was able to successfully finish was it now "Hold It In." I really do feel that even if you have never auditioned for anything, this song and these feelings relate to lots of other things that you have to wait for in life. Whether it's waiting for love, financial stability or simply waiting for the fucking 1 train to get to your stop, we can all relate to the frustrations of waiting and how important it is to find the peace within and hold in the rage sometimes.

I celebrate each and every one of you for continuing on your arduous path to fulfillment today!

Speaking of celebration...today marks the 6 month anniversary of my poetry blog! Thanks to all of you for your loving support and comments left here or on facebook. If one of my posts moves you in anyway, a simple like and especially a comment left, provides the motivation for me to keep going with this.

All my love,

Jess

P.S. Sometimes withstanding the wait is completely worthwhile. I did get a callback from that audition, and it went great. Spending your time waiting for something you really want, is never a waste. Good luck spending your time doing something you love today.